Remus Is Gay
by TheRavenclawNinja
Summary: Drunk Sirius reveals to the Order that Remus is gay....except he's not. While Grimmauld Place is abuzz with gossip, how will Remus and Tonks convice them of his heterosexuality? RLNT. Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Jo Rowling owns all the things you recognize. Not me. I'm just having some malicious fun with these lovely characters. :D

"She's my cousin!" Sirius Black, visibly agitated, had a bottle of Firewhisky in his hand and an annoyed look on his face.

"Well, it's not as if you've had the chance to be very close with her, now have you?" Remus Lupin was, as always, annoyingly calm.

"How can you bring Azkaban into something like this?? You're going on a bleeding DATE with my 25-year-old cousin!!"

"I'm well aware of that, Padfoot."

"Why didn't you just let me set you up with someone, you snaky bastard?"

Wow….thought Remus. That whisky gets to him fast.

"And you've obviously had plenty of doting girlfriends in those thirteen years. Did you carry on the fine Black tradition of falling in love with your cousin? I don't see how anyone can resist dear Bellatrix and her charm. Even you, the Don Juan of Azkaban."

"Isn't Don Juan that Muggle tequila?"

Remus rolled his eyes, and to his amusement, Sirius persisted with his drunken defenses.

"Anyway, you shouldn't be talking about my lack of female attention, Moony. You don't seem to be much better off in that department than I am." Sirius scoffed.

"You'd be surprised, Sirius."

"Really?"

"No."

There was a long pause.

"I bet Molly could find you someone."

"Molly thinks I'm gay."

"Oh. Right."

"Let's get her to set you up with a man." Sirius sniggered at the prospect.

The door to Sirius's bedroom creaked open. The two men glanced at each other with quizzical looks.

Molly Weasley had a knack for appearing at exactly the moment you don't want her to. And now, true to her talents, he had appeared in the doorway just as Sirius Black insinuated that Remus Lupin was of the homosexual persuasion.

Her face was as red as her blazing hair. She was attempting to balance a substantial tray, nearly failing, and allowing the contents to tumble to the floor.

"I just brought some tea--" She was abruptly interrupted by a loud, and by this time visibly, inebriated ex-convict.

"DID YOU HEAR US MOLLY? REMUS IS GAAAY!!" He cackled, which was almost reminiscent of his Dark pedigree.

Remus buried his face in his hands. He looked up to see a bright-red Weasley and a deranged, whisky-soaked, Black.

"Molly, I'm not gay." He wondered why anyone would ever take his best friend seriously.

"You don't have to worry, Remus. We don't have a problem with it. It's not anything to be ashamed of." And with that she turned a slightly less violent shade of pink, evocative of Tonks' hair.

"Seriously Molly, I'm not--" Words were cut off again by the unexpected appearance of Ginny Weasley

"What's going on?" She was decidedly puzzled, a curious look in her eyes and her hands bolted to her sides.

Before Remus or Molly could open their mouths, the strident tones of Sirius proclaimed his drunken declaration

"MOONY," he shouted as he pointed at Remus. "IIIS GAAAAY."

Ginny stood there, her mouth dropped, her eyes wide with shock.

"Oh, for Christ's sake. Ginny, I'm not g--"Stopped in his verbal tracks once again, Remus sighed as Ginny scampered down the hall. A door was heard opening, and a few seconds later, a scream of "HERMIONE, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT…" was audible.

_Note to Self: Do not allow Sirius to drink in presence of Weasleys. _

"I fink, my deareshet Moony, that I shall be getting myshelf shomore wine." Increasingly inebriated Sirius threw himself on the bed and appeared to embrace himself.

"Are you sure you'll safely complete the trek down that treacherous climb that is widely feared stairs?" Remus smirked as Molly gave a very uneasy laugh.

There was a short silence, shattered by the contact of a tea cup and the hard wood floors.

"What the HELL wash dat?" Sirius sat straight up, his eyes broad with apparent fear.

"The sound of your last shard of dignity being crushed."

"OH THAAAAAT'S WHAT IT WAS. WOOOOOW."

Molly hurried out of the room as the last piece of broken cup was removed. She shut the door as if the people inside had to be quarantined due to deadly, exotic disease.

"PSHH. What was THAT for? I wash gonna go get shomore drinksh."

With that he rolled off the bed, onto the floor, picked himself up, and ran out of the room and pounded down the stairs of Number 12, Grimmauld Place, in about five seconds flat.

Remus sighed, got up from his chair, and for a moment remembered that Sirius was downstairs, unattended, telling everyone in sight that Remus was gay.

He speed-walked down the stairway, thankful not to hear any more of Sirius's shouts.

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He reached the end of the stairs to see a flash of pink and hear a "Wotcher, Remus!".

Before he could return Tonks' greeting the sound of smashing glass and "OH SHIT!" alerted him of Sirius' location.

Remus bolted into the kitchen, unaware that Tonks was behind him.

A voice from the dining room table startled him, not by its unexpected presence or its message, but the voice itself.

"Uh, Professor Lupin? I don't think he okay." It was Ron Weasley.

Damn those Weasleys. Damn them to hell.

"OOOH…..it's Mooony's little girlfriend Nymphadory….hellooo…" Sirius needed to shut his mouth before all hell broke loose. Oh, wait, it already had.

"Has deeeeear Remus told youuuuu he's GAAAY?"

Tonks glared at Sirius with a look of deep contempt. She turned to Remus with her eyebrows raised.

"I'm not…really, Tonks, I'm not."

She started laughing.

"Remus, I know you're not and it's not me you should be worried about. The Order meeting starts in about 10 minutes."

"Oh for FUCK'S sake," Remus at this point did not care whether the F-bomb went off in front of one his former students.

But Ron had removed himself, obviously thoroughly freaked by the events he had just witnessed, before he was aware of Remus' real orientation.

"HEY MOONY! Remember that one time when we…."

"Yes, Sirius, we all remember it quit vividly. Now if you'd get off the floor, we could reminisce about it upstairs."

Sirius lifted his head off the, but succumbed to a fit of spontaneous giggles and collapsed onto the floor once more.

"I suppose we'll just have to carry him." Tonks said.

They hoisted Sirius onto his feet and heaved him into the front hall and upstairs without detection and in a surprisingly short time.

Managing to get him into bed, they stared soundlessly at the seemingly asleep Sirius and then at each other.

Tonk's hair turned a smoldering red and she blushed violently. Remus felt his temperature rise as he her eyes became the only things in the room.

The stare broke when the sound of voices downstairs reached their ears.

"Shit! He meeting!" Tonk's hair turned back to her usual pink. She grabbed his hand, but then immediately let it go.

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize."

Red-faced, they averted each other eyes as they descended the ebony staircase of Number 12.

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The greasy face of Severus Snape greeted the at the termination of the stairway. His trademark sneer, in prime condition, seemed to say "Oh, I know."

They made their way over to Tonks' boss and friend, Kingsley Shaklebolt.

"Where's Sirius? I thought it'd be nice to let him know he's in Vietnam right now, according the shit I'm telling the Ministry."

Tonks quickly handled the explanation. "He's sick. Upstairs in bed."

Kingsley chuckled. "I thought I detected the fait odor of Firewhisky."

Silence blanketed the room as Dumbledore arrived. It always struck Remus how strange it was that such respected figure seemed so unapproachable yet friendly.

The members filled in the long table, prepared to bored out their minds-Snape was to report some "important information", Dumbledore had announced.

Snape droned on and Dumbledore remained in a state of rapt attention while the rest of the members fidgeted and blinked heavily.

Then, the worst possible thing that could happen, happened.

The sound of increasingly loud footsteps and "Damn you, Moony" caused to Remus and Tonks to glance at each other, eyes filled with fear.

As he got up to prevent total chaos, he saw Snape out of the corner of his eye looking positively homicidal.

But it was too late. Sirius appeared in the kitchen, wine in hand, spewing curses and an audible "Fucking Snape"

"Hellllooooo all, 's quite luuuvley to see you all. Have you met my friend Remus? He's gaaay. Y'know, gay."

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A/N: Hello! Thanks for reading my very first fic.Chapter Two will be here soon. Please review, and please be critical--I want to know how I can improve.


	2. Chapter 2

-1**Remus Is Gay…Part Deux! **

**A/N: The glorious day has finally come! Besides the fact that this is of questionable sanity (not to mention quality) it is quite the achievement. Even if the minimal length is regrettable. Muchas gracias to TheOriginalHufflepuff, whose review just gave me an extra push to write this, and TheElementalWitch, my beta beyond compare. **

"Sirius," Remus began. "I hate you."

THUMP! Molly Weasley was on the floor, Tonks had a decidedly out-of-place grin on her face, and the rest of the Order looked as though they had been told that aliens had taken over the Ministry and life as they knew it was over.

Come to think of it, life as they knew it just might be over. Or at least heavily scarred.

"You're just bitter because I OUTED YOU, REMUS!!!!" Sirius cackled manically.

"Oh damn, you've got me, Sirius. I'm a flaming homosexual. I mean, there's nothing like good man-love." Remus could barely keep a straight face.

"Amen, brother." said an enthusiastically clapping Dumbledore.

Snape looked as though he had finally went completely ape-shit. "WHAT??"

Dumbledore ceased his clapping. "Um…I mean, love is the greatest weapon we have?"

Just as Molly began to regain consciousness, Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus' neck.

"So Remus, I'd say this meeting is ADJOURNED!" Sirius grabbed his hand and led him out of the room.

The second the door closed, Remus slapped Sirius' grip off.

"You're an asshole, you know that?"

"Oh yes, but it was quite funny."

"Are you sober?"

"God, I hope not."

"Bastard."

"Mate, you've got some serious damage control to get through."

All of a sudden, Tonks appeared out of nowhere.

"One, Sirius, you're a wanker. Two, Remus, that was hilarious. Three, this will be a tough spot for you, dear. Fortunately, I have an idea."

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For the next three days, Tonks stayed at Grimmauld Place as the rest of the Order came and went, plotting Remus' course of action.

The Order members came into the house at a steady pace, geared with parchment and emergency whiskey rations. Remus and Tonks stood at the top of the stairs awaiting their cue.

"This is the most brilliant idea you've ever had." Remus said.

"Better than my lawn competition caper?"

"Of course."

The door slammed. "OK, that's Snape. Let's go." Tonks nodded at Remus.

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They stood in the kitchen, staring at each other until they heard a voice from the next room.

"Does anyone know where Remus and Tonks are?" Molly said in an uneasy voice.

Remus winked. Tonks winked back.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, REMUS! GAY? SO I WAS JUST YOUR COVER UP?"

"Christ, Tonks. I was strung out on PCP when I said I was gay. Sirius gave it to me. Don't know where he got it. Anyway, I'm straight. Which is why I make out with out with you all the time."

"Really, Remus?"

"Really, Tonks."

"Oh, Remus!"

She made a garish smooch noise and rolled her eyes.

"WELL, I THINK WE CAN START THE MEETING WITHOUT THEM." Molly was practically screaming.

"That was a beautiful performance, Sir Laurence Olivier." whispered Tonks.

"Quite an award-winning moment for yourself, Katharine Hepburn."

"Oh, Remus," Tonks breathed as she kissed him on the cheek. "You're so gay."


End file.
